Voldy learns how to use a mobile phone
by hojerry
Summary: A funny one-shot on Voldermort's text messages to his fellow Death Eaters. His nice, funny, text-message self will shock you!


**Um**,** hey guys. Just letting you know that this is COMPLETELY random. When i first thought of writing this, it was supposed to be different. But then it went sideways, so i just made Voldermort have a text-language conversation with everyone. Hope you guys like it!**

**Bon appetite. **

* * *

><p><span>Voldermort's POV<span>

I couldn't handle it anymore. My voice was cracked, my breathing was heavy, and I was exhausted from running. I needed a way to contact my fellow Death eaters without having to scream, shout or run.

I slumped into a nearby chair then shouted, "Narcissa!" when I saw her walking by.

"Yes, my lord?" she said coolly. That was why I liked her best. She was cooperative, always there when you needed her, never back-chatted or failed her missions, and she never complained or asked questions. I nodded my head in approval, then said, "Tell Lucius to come here, would you?"

Then instead of flying away to find Lucius, she just took out a sleek, long electronic pad, and started tapping at it furiously. In a minute, Lucius appeared in front of me, also holding a black pad. "Yes my lord?"

I had forgotten my question, because I was too busy looking at the pads.

"What are these things?" I asked curiously.

"It's an electronic device, sir in which you can contact another person in a short period of time-" Lucius started rambling, so I cut him short, by smiling, which freaked him out. I had the brightest idea in the world. These devices were the keys to not having to run around and shout to contact my fellow Death eaters.

"You have done well, Narcissa." I said fondly. Lucius looked scandalized, and protested, "What about me? I was the one that-" and I silenced him with a death stare.

"Can I have this? Thank you." I swiped the phone from Lucius's hands and scrolled through the list. It was my first time handling things like this, and I was already a pro at it. The contact list had everyone's name on it, so I pressed everyone's name, then started typing. _Everyone meet me at the Common room immediately. This is an order from Lord Voldermort. _

I walked calmly towards the common room, and sat down in a nearby chair.

Everyone showed up immediately. "Ah, friends. As you may have noticed, I have Lucius's i-fony 5T or whatever it's called. From now on, Lucius's number shall be my number, and Lucius shall get a new phone." I said gleefully. Everyone took out their pads and started tapping at them. "That is all."

And everyone flew out the door, turning into vapour.

I stared down at my new pad, and started texting everybody.

_Voldyrocks123: Hey Bellatrix_

_Bellatrixyxoxo#: Oh, good afternoon my Lord_

_Voldyrocks123: You don't have to be so formal you know. We're on i-phone 4S's. Chill out, bro. _

_**Bellatrixyxoxo# has left the conversation. **_

_Voldyrocks123: Come on, Bellatrix! Where are you?_

_Voldyrocks123: Damnit! _

_**LuciusMalfoy3 has joined the conversation.**_

_Voldyrocks123: Hey Lucius. _

_LuciusMalfoy3: Oh, hey sir. Do you require any service?_

_Voldyrocks123: Nup, I'm all good. I just like typing._

_LuciusMalfoy3: Um…okay. I can get Narcissa to come talk to you as well. Just wait a second…_

_**Narcissababy## has joined the conversation.**_

_Narcissababy##: Hey, my lord._

_Voldyrocks123: Hey Narcissa. You are my favourite Death Eater._

_Narcissababy##: Aw, thanks!_

_LuciusMalfoy3: Hey! What about me? _

_Voldyrocks123: …_

_Narcissababy##: I'm sure he is fond of you too, sweetie._

_LuciusMalfoy3: Hmmph!_

_Voldyrocks123: You're…alright I guess…_

_LuciusMalfoy3: Is that a compliment?_

_Narcissababy##: Of course it is, honey. You're getting paranoid. Have a rest, dear._

_LuciusMalfoy3: But I'm not even tired!_

_Narcissababy##: Sure you aren't. Come on, I'll even sing your lullaby song._

_Voldyrocks123: You have a lullaby song?_

_LuciusMalfoy3: I could die of shame right now._

_Narcissababy##: What's so bad about it? The Dark Lord doesn't mind! Come on. _

_**LuciusMalfoy3 has left the conversation.**_

_Narcissababy##: Don't mind him, my lord._

_Voldyrocks123: I have always favoured you most because you are sensible. This is one of the times your sensibility has come to use. Well done. _

_Narcissababy##: Why thank you, my Lord._

_**Draco$Malfoyy has joined the conversation.**_

_Draco$Malfoyy: Hey mum, are you coming home tonight? Because there's no dinner in the fridge._

_Narcissababy##: Can't you tell I'm talking to the Dark Lord?_

_Draco$Malfoyy: Oh, sorry mum. Bye then._

_Narcissababy##: There's some lasagne in the fridge sweetie. _

_Voldyrocks123: Oooh, can I have some? _

_Narcissababy##: …Sure. I don't know if there's enough though._

_Draco$Malfoyy: Yeah, there is. You can come over my lord._

_Voldyrocks123: Aw, thanks, I love lasagne! And you can call me Voldy, lol. _

_Narcissababy##: What a privilege! Thank the dark lord, honey!_

_Draco$Malfoyy: Uh…thanks…Voldy._

**_DumbledorerulesHogwarts has joined the conversation_**

****_DumbledorerulesHogwarts: Hey guys. Oh, sorry am i interrupting something? I'll come back another time ;)_

_Voldyrocks123: Nah, it's fine Albus._

_Draco$Malfoyy: Since when do you call him 'Albus'?_

_Narcissababy##: Draco! How dare you talk to him like that! _

_Voldyrocks123: Nah, it's okay. Don't worry Narcissa, its all good. :D I started calling him Albus since that day i invited him over for a tea party. _

_**LuciusMalfoy3 has rejoined the conversation. **_

_LuciusMalfoy3: How come i wasn't invited?_

_Voldyrocks123: ..._

_Narcissababy##: ..._

_Draco$Malfoyy: ..._

_DumbledorerulesHogwarts: ..._

_LuciusMalfoy3: Hmmph!_

_**LuciusMalfoy3 has left the conversation. What a loser. **_

_Voldyrocks123: Oh goody, he's left. Where were we? Oh yes, hello Albus. What brings you here today? :P_

_DumbledorerulesHogwarts: Oh, just checking if you're throwing another tea party. It was so fun! _

_Voldyrocks123: Uh yeh! Totes! You can come over tomorrow. Hey, Narcissa, you wanna come too? Bring li'l Draco along if you want._

_Narcissababy##: Awwww, thanks! What a privelege! Hey Draco, honey, you wanna come?_

_Draco$Malfoyy: Sorry, can't. I'm too busy plotting against Potter._

_Voldyrocks123: So am i! Hi-five! :D_

_Draco$Malfoyy: Well, in that case...i'll be over tomorrow, k? :)_

_Narcissababy##: What about Lucius, my lord? He has business tomorrow with the Death Eaters. Can he have the day off to come?_

_Voldyrocks123: ..._

_DumbledorerulesHogwarts: Hey Voldy, i'm just gonna go, k? I have to go eat dinner. Bye bestie :D_

_Voldyrocks123: Bye! I will miss you! _

_**DumbledorerulesHogwarts has left the conversation.**_

_Voldyrocks123: Ohh, don't you just love him?_

_Narcissababy##: ...i...guess..._

_** has joined the conversation.**  
><em>

_: Hey guys!_

_Draco$Malfoyy: What do you want, Potter?_

_Voldyrocks123: Draco! Don't talk to him like that! Hi, Harry._

__: Hey, Voldy! Wassup, my man?_ How's life bro?_

_Voldyrocks123: Its good. Wbu? _

__:_ Its okay, i guess...the Dursleys are still treating me rotten tho. :) But its nice to know that you're concerned._

_Narcissababy##: My lord, i don't mean to intrude, but...aren't you supposed to be plotting AGAINST him?_

_Voldyrocks123: Oh yeh...I guess i was...but the boy deserves to be treated nicely, tho. _

__: Yeh! 3__

___: I have to go now. Bye Voldy. Nice talking to you. :D___

___Voldyrocks123: Same! Bye Harry! :)___

___** has left the conversation.**  
><em>__

_**PinkponySnape has joined the conversation.**_

_PinkponySnape: My lord? You're needed in the Mess Hall in five. _

_Voldyrocks123: Now? Aw, I'm in the middle of a conversation._

_PinkponySnape: Yeah, Crabbe's spilt the magic food colouring all over his robes._

_Voldyrocks123: NOT THE MAGIC FOOD COLOURING!_

_PinkponySnape: You'd better get there, quick._

_Voldyrocks123: Sure, no prob. See ya there Sev. _

_PinkponySnape: Yeah, yeah. _

_**Voldyrocks123 has left the conversation. **_

_Draco$Malfoyy: PINKPONYSNAPE? That is the funniest name ever, gosh I'm telling everyone at Hogwarts. _

_PinkPonySnape: No, wait, no! _

_Draco$Malfoyy: Too late, dude. _

_PinkponySnape: Stupid Malfoy…you were always quite a sly one._

_Narcissababy##: Don't say that about my son!_

_Draco$Malfoyy: Yeah, PINKPONYSNAPE. _

_PinkponySnape: That's it, I'm gonna drown you._

_Narcissababy##: Boys!_

_PinkponySnape: Fine._

_Draco$Malfoyy: Yeah, PINKPONYSNAPE. _

_**PinkponySnape has left the conversation. **_

_Narcissababy##: Draco! Look what you've done!_

_Draco$Malfoyy: Whatever. It's the way I roll, 'cuz I'm cool like that. _

_Narcissababy##: It's the lecture for you, young lad._

_Draco$Malfoyy: No, not the lectures! They're so long, wait no! _

_**Draco$Malfoyy has left the conversation. **_

_**Narcissababy## has left the conversation. **_


End file.
